Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
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girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.