Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
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I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.