Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
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the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???