Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
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When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.