there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
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Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee