Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
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My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in