*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
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me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Can’t. Being lazy.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.