Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Banana is the quietest snack
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.