The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit