Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
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[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The point of your 20s
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Jupiter
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list