@lasergirl70: Forget the fad diets, I'm gonna lose weight the old fashioned way - by not having enough money for food.
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@jwoodham: Asking someone out is so unpredictable. You never know exactly how they're going to say no.
@Twtercide: I will not think of sex at church I will not think of sex at church I will not. Priest: Which leads us to his Second Coming Me: Goddammit!
@noogscorner: Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running? Me: Of course. Can't have these bodies at room temperature