Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
You Might Also Like
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??