Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
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My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.