@SladeBlue: Forget waterboarding... I'm ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know.
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@HonestToddler: They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire. Me: *gives her recipe for my mom's peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
@DaddyJew: Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances? Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours Cop: get outta here