CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
how to have an accident 101
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?