Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
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I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.