I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
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Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.