*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
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Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”