[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
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butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Pat is about to own someone
The real reason evolution started..😂
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Breakfast for Stoners:
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Omg 🤣
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV