*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
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Never be a pizza!
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….