*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
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I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
this will hang in the louvre one day
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.