[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
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[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
The Assassin.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no