Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
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[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.