My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house