@funnybeachgirl: "Forgive me father, for I have pinned."
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@Dadpression: Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
@Jeffwni: 13yo Jesus: You're not my real dad! I HATE YOU! Joseph: One of these days boy, I'll— [distant thunder] I'll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
@leechee420: Listen google, it's 2015. I need you to figure out who I'm talking about when I type "that one guy in that movie I didn't like."
@WilliamAder: Me: How do you like being an Uber driver. Driver: I don't work for Uber. Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn't I?