@funnybeachgirl: "Forgive me father, for I have pinned."
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@hazelmotes1: Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase* Her: that's supposed to be a couch.
@mrkoodge: *at an AA meeting* "Hi, I'm Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol." *gets aggressively escorted out*
@bellicosejason: My boss calls me chief, so I really don't know who's in charge anymore. I hope it's not me because I haven't been paying attention.
@iwearaonesie: *gets out of bed* *steps on something* me: Ugh *turns light on* wife: What is it? me: The cat caught another smart car