“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
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If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Oh no
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there