“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
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Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.