Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
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Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Rambo Rambow
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.