Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
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Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…