Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
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When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Twitter remains undefeated
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?