@weinerdog4life: Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I'm a mean cat
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@MissNaughty1801: My mother in law:did you put the weight on? Me:no...actually I've lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you
@TheMichaelRock: News: Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though.
@revenge_tanukis: It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
@RandomManik: Everything brightened up when you came into our presence. - Food in my refrigerator.