Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I hate when that happens.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
*bites zombie*
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*launders Kohls cash*
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we