@weinerdog4life: Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I'm a mean cat
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@DadandBuried: I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
@BatBatshitcrazy: My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I'm pretty sure the end days are near.
@LeonHWolf: How do you explain this gap in your resume? "I was in jail." Okay. Sure you weren't working for Trump's campaign? "Swear to God. Jail."
@myboots111: Losing weight should be like losing your virginity Once you lose it you can never get it back