Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
yeet
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Only short people can save us
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.