Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.