Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
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THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.