@theshamingofjay: Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it's like I walked for no reason.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@tigersgoroooar: Killer with knife to my throat: it's ironic how you're about to die in your living room. Me: actually, that's not really what ironic means.
@TheAlexP: If you're charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
@Underchilde: Wife: “Take me to bed or lose me forever.” Husband: *Thinks about it for 45 minutes*