“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
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Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.