@theshamingofjay: Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it's like I walked for no reason.
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@Adar79Angie: I'm scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
@DanMentos: *notices my tinder match has "catholic" in their bio* me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
@david8hughes: [looks over neighbour's fence while he's in the pool] "Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days."