A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
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[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.