*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
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I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
wtf is an acronym
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.