Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
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[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…