Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
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My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
happy valentine’s day to me
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.