@Brianhopecomedy: Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
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@moooooog35: I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
@Underchilde: I never keep toilet paper in the guest bathroom. They don’t need that kind of incentive to visit again.
@better_off_dad: *at the confessional Priest: .'..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?' Me: 'You mean, like, ever?'
@PaulyPeligroso: You can't die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*