If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
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I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.