@MandiAtRandom: Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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@primawesome: A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What's the rest of her day like?
@ISOremarkable: if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of "ice, ice, baby."
@ElgatoEsmio: Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho. What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
@dubiousrhetoric: Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.