Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
😩😩😩
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.