motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I see your IQ test came back negative
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.