Beware of the “party goblin”…
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reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.