Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Spider-cat: No One Home
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.