Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
You Might Also Like
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore