Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Hey i am sexy to you now
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Ironic
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them