@juliussharpe: Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.
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@WilliamRodgers: BREAKING NEWS Justin Bieber said... And I quote, "Only God can Judge me!" THIS JUST IN ...Apparently I'm God.
@AndyAsAdjective: I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.