The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
don’t we all
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Bed should get ready for ME
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both