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Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
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dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
man i love columbo
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
This is a true ally.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.