Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
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Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
The glockness monster
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.