FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!