Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
You Might Also Like
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning