Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
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If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
No. YOU-buprofen.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I told my vodka about you.