<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
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Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
i wish i could marry a nap
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.